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The Lifewave Top Ten List

Direct from his Ivory Tower in beautiful downtown
Buford, Georgia, here is David Schmidt with tonight's

Top Ten Signs That You've Worn Your Lifewave Patch Too Long

10. The honey and molasses in your LifeWave patch has turned your muscles into chocolate chip cookie dough

9. Your "RestQuiet" sleep patch malfunctions and you fall into a deep coma and don't wake up for 36 years

8. Willy Wonka hears about David Schmidt's secret honey & molasses patch recipe and sends a few Oompa Loompas over to rough you up

7. Your Lifewave patch starts acting "just like a cell phone" and broadcasts an intimate moment between you and your secretary to your wife's cell phone while she's attending a PTA meeting.

6. Your muscles have doubled in size, your clothes no longer fit and even your abs have abs. Worst of all, you're beginning to resemble Ronnie Coleman, and you think it looks HOT!

5. Your tan patch has turned white and your white patch has turned tan and they both smell a lot like spoiled milk.

4. Bees, bees, bees!

3. You're being followed by Winnie the Pooh with his honey pot in one hand and a stack of pancakes in the other

2. You mistake Dr. Haltiwanger for Dr. Koop and David Schmidt for a real scientist

1. Your surgery-free face lift fell and left you looking like John Kerry the day after the 2004 Presidential election