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As told by David Jumper

Twas the day before Christmas at Lifewave H.Q.
David Schmidt was researching his latest breakthrough

The patches were laid out on the tables with care
In hopes that Dr. Haltiwanger soon would be there

With Dave counting money and me at his side
We gazed at his amazing invention with pride

When from our computer there arose such a clatter
I ran to the keyboard, to see what was the matter

I opened a browser and logged on in a flash
While Schmidt began loading a suitcase with cash

I Googled for “Lifewave” and what should appear
But hundreds of links to the web site we fear

“No SkyBiz, no BigSmart, and no Quorum Global!
No web site scams, shopping malls, no more Travelogia!”

The WorldWide Scam home page was sounding the call
And Lifewave, they said, is the worst of them all!

Like scammers who run from the FTC
When caught selling snake oil and Laundry CDs

Our members were quitting and I think I know why -
It’s all on account of that WorldWide Scam guy.

And then from the hallway, I heard angry shouts
Members wanted a refund, they all wanted out

I stepped back from the door and then turned to my right,
Just in time to see David Schmidt vanish from sight!

He removed his white lab coat and then suddenly,
The suitcase of money was all I could see

Then he laughed and he said, “David Schmidt they can’t catch
When I’m wearing my brand new “Invisible Patch”!

I followed the suitcase as he walked through the door
And it floated along, three feet high off the floor

Meanwhile, hundreds of people had gathered outside
They just couldn’t believe David Schmidt might have lied

“They will all feel betrayed when they find that I’m gone.
If they only knew this was my plan all along”

The brown floating suitcase caught everyone’s eye
David laughed right out loud as he passed them all by

He looked back at the people who had trusted him so,
Then he said,
“So long, suckers!” and turned to go

Then he stepped on a patch of “Hot Ice” in the grass
And he slipped and he stumbled and fell on his ass

The suitcase broke free and flew high in the air
It came open and threw money everywhere

David sat in the snow wonderin’ where he went wrong
When he saw his “Invisible Patch” – was gone!

The crowd turned around and could not help but stare
At the nude David Schmidt they saw sitting there

He got up on his feet and began shaking hands
As he walked through the throngs of his Lifewaver fans

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

“I hope you enjoyed this live demonstration
Of my latest nanotechnology innovation”

“The ‘Invisible Patch’ makes you vanish from sight
But you cannot wear clothes, they reflect ambient light

“And along with my new patch, I’m excited to say,
I have passed out a huge Christmas bonus today.”

The crowd was ecstatic, the cheers they rang out
“We love you, Dave Schmidt,” they all started to shout

And placing his patch back upon his left wrist
He gave me a nod and then blew me a kiss

And I heard him exclaim as he faded from view,

“I can’t believe you all fell for that nanotechnology resonant energy transfer crap. Merry Christmas, losers! I’m outa here!”


Merry Christmas from the WorldWide Scam Network